Due to minimal demand, The Bachelors, much like the local Christmas raffle, has returned in December with questionable quality but all the bells and whistles.
Network 10 has decided to stick to the confusing concept of having three men looking for love at once. Can’t they fork out the cash and ask The Jonas Brothers to be on it?
I don’t think the network realises how hard it is to get to know and remember three men and about 3000 women in dresses that look ripped from the racks of Kookai.
Anyway, there’s Wesley.
He is studying theology, but is also a model because of course he is. You can tell he is a thinker because he says he likes clumsy girls, because life is all about making mistakes … umm, what?
Anyway, he thinks his being is profound, so we all have to accept it.
Then there’s Ben. He is also a model who, according to Google, has beef with Zac Efron that we don’t have time to get into, but hopefully, one of the ladies will lead with that.
Finally there’s Luke, the only one with a job that sounds like it will give him any chance of having some superannuation.
He is a lumberjack by trade, which sounds very hot, and keeps droning on about wanting to meet someone to spend his life with.
Clearly, this man hasn’t watched the show before. This isn’t about finding someone to live with; this is about jump-starting your influencer career and, if you’re lucky, bagging a slot on the sadly cancelled Studio 10.
Osher claims it will be the most “romantic” season ever and then harps on about all the weddings and babies born from the show. Sir, have you forgotten about the Sam Frost and Blake Garvey scandal? … or even just last season.
Osher immediately starts treating everyone like fools and claims to the ladies that the night will go faster than they can imagine.
This is a lie. It’s going for almost two hours, and there will be far too many ad breaks.
When Osher hinted at a romance, he meant that everyone would be crammed into a hall and dressed in ball gowns.
It seems less like romance and more like a producer got COVID and binged Bridgerton, and now we are all paying for it.
No mood lighting is going to stop the three bachelors from behaving like children and treating the women like toys they don’t want to share.
Luke immediately zeros in on McKenna, who is wearing a giant pink puffy dress and has described herself as “glamorise”.
I mean, she’s from Queensland and works in PR. I don’t think any of us have heard a more sophisticated sentence.
Luke approaches first and declares he’s so nervous it’s like a “kick in the guts”. He is completely enthralled but interrupted by Ben, who keeps muttering about having eye contact with McKenna. Before you know it, Wesley also wants to talk to her!
There’s lots of fuss about vying for her attention, but ultimately, they all have three equally boring conversations with her, and the excitement fizzles.
Not to worry though, because Luke has fallen in love with Ella now; she’s a blonde bombshell who, within three minutes, declares she’s ready to move for love.
Luke is thrilled, and they celebrate their new life together by making out.
Meanwhile, this season’s obvious villain Lisa is constantly lurking in the background muttering lines to herself like, “I’m the hottest one here,” and it is very clear we need to watch out for her.
I think the next time we find ourselves sulking around a party with no one talking to us, we should all do the same.
More drama erupts because Ben goes to talk to Ella, the woman whom Luke has finally found love with, remember he was single for two minutes?
Luke interrupts them and bashfully admits he is jealous, and Ella loves it. I’m pretty sure she’d like them both to wrestle for her love, but that doesn’t happen.
Ben forgets about his attraction to Ella and gets distracted by a lady named Angela.
They go outside and discover they’re both 36, and that similarity is enough for the two of them to believe they’re soulmates.
There’s lots of, “Oh but I’m 36!” happening on a loop.
Wesley approaches a nice girl named Holly and tells her he has never had a girlfriend before. She’s clearly mortified, but he thinks she’s falling for his lines about not following life’s “script”.
Within 15 minutes, she ends up in a chat with Ben, and they start slow dancing together. The vibe is very “Wesley who?”
Some woman named Yasmine decides she has to leave the show because she’s too “conservative” and Wesley comes out to say goodbye, and basically says: “Seeya, I’ve got other ladies to meet.”
Wesley than sets his sights on Brea, who has appointed herself the cool girl who wants to find a beer.
“I am shitting bricks,” she declares
Wesley’s in love and thinks she’s adorable, and is likely very keen to see her fall over. Clumsy is his thing, remember. Don’t kink shame.
In between this there are girls in groups complaining about being overlooked or discussing being nervous, but not much is actually happening.
The only highlight is when Anatasia is talking to Mel, and the subject of work comes up.
As we all know, despite all these women having put their careers on hold to be chosen by a man, they take their work very, very seriously.
Mel makes a joke that Anatasia is a “stripper”, which is, you know, not a great joke.
Anatasia is furious, though Mel rambles about being very pro-sex worker.
“I don’t work for men; men work for me,” Anatasia fumes, before explaining that just because she’s pretty doesn’t mean she’s a stripper.
The critical thinking that happens on this reality show is always a masterclass.
The rose ceremony happens, but we have no idea who anyone is yet so it’s hard to get invested in the result. A lady who gets kicked off takes the silverwear with her … who is going to tell her it probably isn’t real silver?